Over the years I’ve been asked many questions. Some of them frequently come up and so I’ve listed them here. To submit another question please contact me directly. Many of these questions will be answered more thoroughly in my upcoming book.
Are you an anti-Scientologist?
I don’t sit around all day thinking about Scientology. I am not “going after” Scientology or Scientologists. I simply work to expose my experience and disallow misinformation around me when it comes to subjects I have experience with. One of those subjects happens to be Scientology.
Do you have faith now? Are you a Christian?
I personally believe there is something behind the physical reality which is not physical. I personally believe we are more than the physical sum of our parts. I accept that these are not evidence-backed beliefs. The only dangers I have detected in having these beliefs is that I sometimes find myself more passive in life, believing somehow I have much more time than this life. I am trying to work on this issue.
I strongly feel that the specifics of Christianity, along with every other religion, are quite obviously factually incorrect. I think the value of religions is real. I think the underlying messages have merit: I do believe there is more to life than we can understand. And to me, religion is the attempt of humans to articulate that feeling. And unlike several people I admire, like Sam Harris, I do believe the underlying truth is represented there.
How did you break the indoctrination of Scientology?
By the time I was out of Scientology, I was already indoctrinated to the deepest levels possible. I believed I was a thetan. I believed Scientology was all true. I believed in aliens and the entire history laid out by Lafayette Hubbard. Again, I just didn’t care.
I lived on the streets homeless for many years. As I continued my drug abuse that started at the Mace-Kingsley Ranch, I mostly ignored Scientology as a study, and took to observing things for myself. I did not seek out anti-Scientology people or information. I did not seek out counseling or any kind of assistance with understanding the nature of reality or myself.
The break was very, very gradual for me. One of the first things that shook parts of the edges of belief for me was when I started understanding what Scientology words meant in the normal world. “Invalidate,” for example, in Scientology is more similar in meaning to “make fun of” or “insult.” When I realized that “invalidate” actually means to successfully negate something, or to show something as actually untrue, a seed was planted. “Postulate” is a word in Scientology that means to actually create some reality by using intention alone. It’s commonly used in a similar way as “hope something will happen,” but in fact we believed if you postulated strong enough, that thing would actually happen. As I learned that to “postulate” something actually means to assert something as being true, the edges broke a little further. Ironically, by learning the actual words in English, I was in effect “clearing” my misunderstood words; the misunderstood words Scientology itself introduced me to.
These small cracks widened and grew deeper as other things I had always observed to not be true became more glaring. Learning that in fact almost no one had ever heard of Scientology when I got out in 1999, I realized something was wrong with the message of worldwide dissemination Scientology was putting out. Over the years I found again and again smart people. Smart, successful people. None of these people believed in Scientology and yet they were so successful. I examined my family and looked for signs of superhuman achievement and success. I didn’t find any.
As I slowly pulled myself out of the horrible life of homelessness I became more industrious, working any job I could get. I realized my family never enjoyed working and was constantly trying out the latest “get rich quick” pyramid scheme or low-labor job. It became a thorn in my mental side. Why were they so insistent on doing as little work as possible? Why were they so lazy? Something was wrong.
There were many, many other small indicators like these. And over time as I thought about the depths of life and reality, each thing I thought I knew slowly fell apart. There was no single realization that Scientology was wrong. It was a slow cracking and breaking.
How do people get duped by Scientology?
Are Scientologists bad people?
Did you get paid to appear on Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath?
What is your book about?
How many drugs have you done?
Marijuana – smoked around 100 times, eaten around 5 times
Saliva – smoked once
Codeine – swallowed for medical reasons and recreationally, with and without alcohol, around 50 times
Heroin – major overdoses 3 times, injected around 500 times, smoked around 3 times, sniffed around 2 times
Oxycodone – swallowed for medical reasons and recreationally, with and without alcohol, around 10 times
Oxycontin – swallowed recreationally, with and without alcohol, around 10 times
Morphine – injected for medical reasons around 20 times and recreationally, with and without alcohol, around 5 times
Alcohol – started drinking at 14, got heavily into drinking while at the MK Ranch at 17. Continued heavy drinking until about age 25. Have probably been blacked out drunk around 50 times, drunk around 1000 times
LSD – injested around 2,000 hits of LSD in liquid, blotter, gel tab and microdot forms
Crank (very dirty speed) – sniffed around 25 times and injected around 3 times
Speed (white powdered) – sniffed around 100 times, smoked around 50 times, swallowed around 5 times and injected around 5 times
Crystal Methamphetamine – sniffed around 30 times and injected around 50 times
PCP – smoked once with marijuana
Mushrooms/Psilocybin – tripped on mushrooms around 3 times
Peyote/Mescaline – have not done peyote, have had mescaline in ecstasy
Ecstasy/MDMA – have swallowed around 300 ecstasy pills, anal insertion once, MDMA pills around 3 times
Gas – have huffed gas, mostly at the Mace Kingsley Ranch, around 100 times
GHB – drank two times
Ketamine – injected around 3 times
Spray Paint – have huffed spray paint around 50 times
Glue – tried huffing and sniffing various glues but never got high
Crack Cocaine – smoked crack around 15 times
Cocaine – sniffed coke around 30 times, injected around 3 times
Hydrocodone/Vicadin – swallowed for medical reasons and recreationally, with and without alcohol, around 50 times
Paxil – prescribed and also swallowed with alcohol for side effects around 30 times
Celexa – prescribed and also swallowed with alcohol for side effects around 80 times
Lexapro – prescribed and also swallowed with alcohol for side effects around 50 times
Valium – swallowed with alcohol for side effects around 30 times
Zoloft – prescribed and also swallowed with alcohol for side effects around 50 times
Xanax – swallowed with alcohol for side effects around 20 times
Prozac – swallowed with alcohol for side effects around 10 times
Drugs I have not done (but have heard of)
Do you still do drugs?
How did you break your addiction to drugs?
I moved on to methamphetamine, which was very addictive. It was the hardest of the drugs to kick for me. I had a little help from a friend, who isolated me in a basement during a total mental breakdown I had. Eventually I found the high-energy and high-intensity of speed too overwhelming. It became less about euphoria and more about being hyper and energetic. During my enormous comedowns from speed someone recommended heroin to ease the transition from high to sober. And in a way they were spot on. Heroin broke the horrible come down that speed brought. And soon enough I moved on to heroin.
Heroin killed me a few times. I died and was just barely kept alive, thankfully, by friends of mine in all cases. Heroin is a much simpler drug than methamphetamine or LSD: it just makes you feel good. Or at least, that’s the beginning stages of it. Eventually heroin makes you feel normal and lack of heroin makes you feel horrible. It was during one of these long stints of being strung out that I hitchhiked to a state I knew heroin was hard to get in. I had no connections and no more of a mental strong will to continue. I drank alcohol to take some of the edge off, but ultimately it came down to a choice: die again, or try something new. I decided to try something new.
What is your relationship with your family like now?
My mother’s side of the family is completely disconnected from me and have been since I was underage. Other than the two times they randomly showed up in my life to try to get me back into Scientology and/or to not write a book, they have acted as if I never existed.
My father and his side of the family were disconnected from when I was around 5 years old. I have reconnected with a few of them over the years but there isn’t a strong bond, as we actually don’t know each other. They are really nice people and are not Scientologists.
In short, most of my life I’ve had no family at all. And the effects of that are clear to me when I am around other people and their families. It’s not fun for me. But I soldier on.